GUEST COLUMN: "Welcome to the Cold Zone"

*NOTE*: To keep up with demand, I am institituing a new feature of this blog: guest columns! The following was written by friend and contributer J.R. Shartzer. Enjoy!



Batman & Robin was the first movie that offended me.

Kids think that everything is AWESOME. If it's loud and shiny, kids will buy it. That's what I attribute the success of those Transformers movies to. Anyway, I remember exiting the movie theater in June of 1997. I was eleven, about to turn twelve, and the stupidest thing was eating at me. See, I will accept that Batgirl is not Barbara Gordon and is Alfred's niece. I will accept that Batman has a personalized credit card. I will even accept that Bane is a mindless goon. But there was one quick moment that stuck with me.

"Argh! Dah Coolah!"

Mr. Freeze is imprisoned. He steps out of a blue light. Jesse Ventura playing a guard yells, "You can't live outside the Cold Zone!" That moment felt like someone was calling me "retarded." I was an eleven-year-old walking out of a movie theater imagining producers and writers laughing and saying, "Yeah. Cold Zone. Those fat little retards won't care. They'll buy our toys. They'll buy our Arkham play-set, complete with a Cold Zone! Why? Because fuck you! That's why. We already got your money.Why don't you...chill....out." 

At least the 60's show could be forgiven.

The first season of the Adam West Batman had a Mr. Freeze episode that featured a hot zone and a cold zone but at least they attempted to explain it and used it as a fun plot device. This? This was just lazy.

Entering that movie theater was the last time I remember genuinely being hopeful and excited for something. I've been bitter, miserable, and cynical ever since I exited that movie.

Joel Schumacher is kind of like the father I never had. Through Batman & Robin, he taught me some important lessons. He taught me that not everything is good. He forced me to grow up, become skeptical, and see the world for what it really is. Batman & Robin showed me that there is no god and that someday,
we are all going to die alone with nothing to cling to, because you can't live outside the god damned cold zone.




A big thanks to J.R. for providing that take on Batman & Robin. would YOU like to contribute? Please let me know!